Is My Toddler Under Control?

I was at the gym today and they had that show The View in one of the TV’s. I occasionally toon in just to kill time while exercising. Normally the topics of discussion are pretty interesting or entertaining to my taste, but today more than entertaining I found it a little offensive.

Barbara Walters was talking about a Rhode Island mom that was kicked off a JetBlue flight because her toddler was fussy and refused to sit on her seat. I was offended that Barbara Walters was laughing before showing the video clip. In the video you see the toddler talking to her dad while the mom is talking to the host of the show. Ms. Walters found it funny that the mom was claiming the child was under control in the flight and the child, according to her, seems out of control during the Today Show interview. Being a mom of a toddler, I felt that the child was not out of control during the show, she was just doing what a typical toddler does. Yes, she was talking while her mom is talking, but she was not throwing a tantrum. She was sitting on her father’s lap while talking and singing, but she wasn’t all over the place. How can Ms. Walters criticize this mother claiming that she doesn’t have her child under control, when the child is not doing anything out of the ordinary for a two year old. Yes I agree that the parents should teach her that when adults are talking you need to be quiet if she has to sit there with the adults. But having a toddler and going through similar situations, I can tell you that it takes time to teach a toddler to behave. I think that she is actually well behaved for a child that age compared to many others that I have seen in stores running around, throwing tantrums and sometimes even hitting there moms. According to our society, what is considered a child under control and one unruly child? What do we expect moms to do when a toddler is throwing a tantrum in public, crying during a flight or any other occasion when we are suppose to be well behaved?

I flew out of Miami to Spain with my toddler last year. At the time she was 2 1/2 years old and going through some terrible twos. Considering that this was an international flight about 8 hours long and the last time she was in a plane was when she was 6 months old, my daughter behaved very good according to my standards. She also refused to sit on her own seat, and the flight attendant did tell me that I had to sit her in her seat for departure and for landing. My daughter started throwing a fit when I sat her in her seat and I forcefully buckled her down. The flight attendant still came to me and tried giving my daughter some crayons and coloring pages to calm her down, but nothing worked. She then told me – “Wow, she really has a strong personality. She needs a strong hand and some discipline.” I decided to ignore the comment, but it did bother me. I felt like she was basically telling me I didn’t know how to raise my child and I was bothering the other passengers. If you are a mom of a toddler you know that there are times when you cannot stop them from throwing a tantrum or screaming like someone is killing them. If you let them cry, you are a bad mom; and if you give them whatever they want so they stop crying you are still a bad mom that is raising a brat. So tell me, what are the rules to follow in public scenes? What was this mother of Rhode Island suppose to do with her daughter in that flight?

I also took a flight from Madrid to Paris during that trip, and the flight attendant had a different approach to my daughter refusing to sit on her seat. He let me carry her on my lap, but gave me the baby seatbelt that buckled to mine. That went much smoother and my child was calmly sitting with me. On the way back from Paris to Madrid, she had fallen asleep before landing. The flight attendant then just told me try to buckle her while she was lying down.

In my opinion we need to understand that parents do the best that they can when handling an unruly child in public. Depending on the culture, some parents are more stern with the child then others. I know that if it were a Latin parent, that child might have been spanked and forced to sit on her seat while screaming and crying. Here in the United States parents tend to give in more to their child. The parents of today have been influenced by the theories that we need to let our kid express himself and be more careful on how we discipline without affecting their self esteem. I don’t blame those moms that sometimes let their kids interrupt a conversation or throw a tantrum in the middle of a store. We are just doing our best and sometimes we don’t know any better.

Mommy in Training

Ever since I became a mother I always considered myself a Latin mom. By default I speak to my kids mostly in Spanish, feed them latin food and follow the traditional Latin customs I was raised with. However, sometimes I question myself about what Latin upbringings I want to adopt with my kids and what are just not me. For example, I am against spanking my kids using anything else aside from my hand and they must do something really bad to deserve a spanking or I have reached a point where nothing is working. It is very common in Latin America for parents to punish there kids using a belt or “the punishment stick”. I remember my grandmother used to have a belt hanging by the kitchen for using if any of her grandkids misbehaved. Perhaps it’s the fact that I came to the United States when I was just 12 years old, so I have adopted a lot of the American customs and I am also married to a Cuban American that is more American than Cuban. The American culture also frowns upon any form of spanking, and god forbid you do it in public.

I have a 3 year old daughter that speaks a mix of Cuban and Honduran Spanish, along with fluent toddler English. She does eat the rice and beans, chicken soup with tons of cumin and the occasional “Cantimpalo” chorizo. I find it funny how she has learned some Honduran spanish slang and some Cuban ones. I was petrified when I heard her say her first curse word “puta”,which means bitch, a curse word commonly used in Honduras. Then she learned the commonly used Cuban word “coño”. I was almost certain she was turning into a true Latin child, until recently that she prefers to speak to me in English.

When I found out that I was pregnant with my second child, I started researching on other ways of parenting. I needed to get my daughter under control before the second baby came, or I would go crazy. The Latin way of raising my daughter was just not working. My husband and I started seeing a child therapist to help us ease the process into bringing another child into the mix and get my daughter to listen to us.

I’m sure all moms from all cultures have the same dilemmas. Should we spank them when the “Time Out” is not working? Should we give in to the Mac n Cheese menu every day because they refuse to eat anything? These are all questions that have crossed my mind and I wasn’t sure how to answer.

The American way of parenting has many versions, which to a point become confusing. Should I apply the “American All Natural” approach and go all organic and feed only organic food to my child at all times or the more “American Practical” and be ok with the occasional “Happy Meals” or Mac n Cheese when I don’t have much time to cook?

My husband has introduced me to an interesting book called “Bringing Up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting
” by Pamela Druckerman. This book has opened up my eyes on noticing more about how American kids are raised and I’ve noticed I have applied a lot of those practices without realizing. Now that I am more aware I am trying out some French ways of parenting described in this book while still keeping some of the American and Latin customs. To my surprise things have started to go more smoothly with the kids. My daughter is starting to listen to me more and there are less tantrums in the house and in public. My son that is only two months old has to sleep the night and wait four hours after each feeding to eat again.

There is no perfect way of raising a child, or the one culture that has figured everything out. I guess I can say that I’m not just a Latin mom, I am an international mommy in training.