Sex and our mood

I’ve heard that the more sex you have the more you want it, and also you are in a happier mood and become more patient. Perhaps the key to a happy marriage with children is having more sex and really enjoying it.

Growing up in a Latin family, sex has always been taboo. You don’t talk about it and you definitely don’t think of it as a good thing that you enjoy and explore. I was raised believing    that sex was something just married couples did and by no means was it suppose to be for pleasure. But as I got older and took biology and a sex education class, I got to learn more about this taboo you don’t talk about with your parents. And after meeting my husband it all clicked.

When you are in the honeymoon stage, sex is something you do all the time, even if you have a headache or are too tired. But then you add kids to the mix and sex needs to be scheduled. We become the mommy and forget to be the wife, the sexy goddess, the French maid. We become cranky because of lack of sleep and more responsibilities. Eventually we don’t realize that sex has gone to the back burner. You get snappy and dwell on stupid little things. Perhaps the lack of sex is what is keeping you cranky and losing your patience more often.

Studies say that the more sex a couple has, the happier they are. To me it makes sense. Sex brings you together as a couple and is a mode of relaxation. So ladies, get your French maid outfits and rekindle your passion with one another. Forget about the stresses of daily life, and get back to basics.

Learning about the shapes and colors of Autism

For those of you that do not know, April is Autism month. Some of you might have heard about the stereotype of Autism, smart individuals that are socially challenged living in a world of their own, but the reality is that they are intellectually capable people more in tune to the world than many of us. As a mother of a toddler and a new born, I am very interested in learning more about it.

Here are some core Autism symptoms to note:

  • Social interactions and relationships. Symptoms may include:
    • Problems developing nonverbal communication skills, such as eye-to-eye gazing, facial expressions, and body posture.
    • Failure to establish friendships
    • Lack of interest in sharing enjoyment, interests, or achievements with others
    • Lack of empathy
  • Verbal and nonverbal communication. Symptoms may include:
    • Delay in, or lack of, learning to talk
    • Problems taking steps to start a conversation and keeping the conversation going
    • Stereotyped and repetitive use of language
    • Difficulty understanding their listener’s perspective. For example, not understanding when someone is using humor
  • Limited interests in activities or play. Symptoms may include:
    • An unusual focus on pieces. Younger children with autism often focus on parts of toys, such as the wheels on a car, rather than playing with the entire toy.
    • Preoccupation with certain topics
    • A need for sameness and routines
    • Stereotyped behaviors like body rocking and hand flapping
Normally Autism is not detected until the age of 3 years old, but more research is being done to detect it earlier for better results in treatments. Usually parents and caregivers detect autism in the first 3 years of a child’s development, but the signs of the disorder are difficult to diagnose during infancy even though autism is said to be present at birth. One of the main signs that raise a red flag for parents is delayed speech. Also the child might not like to be carried or play certain games like Peekaboo. Most children are able to relate to others, communicate and help themselves with early and intensive treatment. Very few are completely socially isolated.
If you are interested in learning more, take a look at Kate Winslet’s foundation called The Golden Hat Foundation. She is also promoting a book titled The Golden Hat: Talking Back to Autism, which tells a story of a boy with Autism and his mom’s journey to raise awareness of the condition along with photos and quotes of famous people and kids with Autism.
There is a lot of information out there for us. Even if you don’t directly relate to this condition, it is always great to know what it is and how we can help each other to make it all better. It is much easier to go through a journey with an army than to try to do it alone.

 

Getting things Done Stress-Free

Being a mother of two young children, it gets hard sometimes to fix myself up and be like those elegant sexy moms that are well put together. If you have seen Sarah Jessica Parker’s movie I Don’t Know How She Does It
,  you can get an idea of how crazy life can be as a working mom trying to get everything done. If you notice, Parker’s character handles it all by always using a list. Being a mommy and juggling work, motherhood and womanhood can be challenging if you don’t have the right tools. Definitely a list makes things seem more manageable.

I found a good list of tips in eHow Family that we can follow as a starting point for avoiding those crazy days where everything seems overwhelming:

Daily To-Do List

  • As many of us might have already experienced, sometimes we have in mind the things we want to get done for the day, but then other things come up. To avoid being pulled in all different directions, keep a notepad or electronic planner to list the to-dos for the day. You can divide the list into various lists like Home, Work and School.

Grocery/ Shopping List and Coupons

  • To save time in the supermarket, have a shopping list prepared and a coupon wallet organized into proper sections. One thing I do is keep a notepad by the kitchen and write down items as I go running out, then the shopping list is already created for me.

  • Create a weekly Meal Planner. Avoid having to run to the supermarket every time you cook by planning ahead a weekly meal planner.  Also, if you know tonight’s dinner is going to be a quick fix and not take the typical hour or more, you will have extra time to work on other things before it’s time to prepare dinner.

  • Keep a List of upcoming birthdays, anniversaries or special events that you will need to buy gifts for and list suggested gifts along with a budget.

     

Organized Closet

  • An organized closet makes it easy to access everyday apparel. I personally pick the clothes I’m going to wear the next morning and leave it all set-up in the valet by my bed. This cuts down my time spent getting ready and I can go get the kids ready and leave home early for school. You should have a section of prepared outfits for the entire week. Your closet should also be sorted so that all tops are on one end, bottoms should be next to tops, and dresses should be on the other end. Use a see-through shoe organizer to avoid opening box after box to find the right pair.

     

Married with Children

If you are from my generation you know about the sitcom “Married with Children“. This show aired from 1987 to 1997. It depicted the stereotypical “white trash” american family. Al Bundy, played by Ed O’Neill, was a shoe salesman married to a lazy wife, played by Katy Sagal, and had two dysfunctional teenage kids, David Faustino and Christina Applegate. I would say that many men would tell us they can relate to the stresses Al Bundy goes through. Are men really miserable when they are married and have children? Is it true that children decrease marital satisfaction significantly?

An article titled “The effect of the transition to parenthood on relationship quality: An 8-year prospective study.” from the March 2009 edition of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology  gives a good overview of marriages with children. Here is a quick summary of the research results:

  • 90 percent of couples see that marital bliss decreases within a year after the birth of the first child.
  • 15 percent of fathers and 7 percent of mothers were more satisfied with their marriage after the birth of their first child.
  • Romantic couples also experienced a decline upon the birth of their first child.
  • Couples who had babies within a year (approximately) of getting married and couples with lower incomes experienced a higher drop in marital satisfaction.
  • Even couples with no children show diminished marital quality over time, but having a baby seems to accelerate the deterioration.
  • A higher decline in happiness was seen with mothers of divorced parents, couples that live together before marriage, and when the first baby is a girl.  (A Denver Post article reported this theory about the girl factor being that couples tend to struggle more when they have a daughter because the father may be less involved in child care.)
  • Those couples who reported an increase in happiness after their first child had two common factors, 1) higher incomes and 2) being married longer before having the child.

All the studies in the world can tell me that a child decreases marital bliss, but in reality I feel it is not the children that are to blame. I think that children just make us face problems that we have overlooked before. We can be a perfect couple without children because we can still act as if we were single, with some exceptions. If you are bad communicators before children, it will just be enhanced when there are children in the mix. A child brings you together and forces you to see that you are now one unit. Deciding to go to happy hour after work now involves planning and agreeing together who will babysit. Taking care of that new bundle of joy, becomes a battle of the sexes. If before you would argue about who had to do the dishes, now you would be arguing who will change the diapers. It’s not the child that brought new problems, it’s the same problem just in a different scenario.

I can relate to those couples that say that having a child adds strain to a marriage, but we survived it and with our second child it has been much easier. The fact that we worked on our issues with the first child, makes it much easier with the second. I feel that if you ignore any communication issues, and then have a second child, it’s a recipe for disaster because you are adding even more strain to the marriage. All I can say is that having a child is a learning experience for both of us and has made our marriage stronger. We are still learning and working on our issues. You learn every day and there will be good days and bad days; but we have learned to communicate better and not sweat the little things that at the end of the day are not important. Remember that children will eventually leave the nest and you will only have each other. Your marriage is worth working for if there isn’t bigger issues like abuse. A happy marriage will result in happy children. I believe that if both men and women work together in the adventure of parenthood, it can make a marriage stronger. Step back and look at the relationship and don’t focus on who’s turn it is to change the diapers or do the dishes.

 

Top Child Safety Tips

I previously posted about my scary moment of Hide and Seek with my toddler at a store. We couldn’t find her for a few minutes and it seemed like an eternity. This prompted me to research more about how to keep my child safe and I came across a few websites that gave detailed tips to follow. Here is an edited version of some tips:

    • Keep the following records updated in a safe place: Custody papers, photographs of your child, height and weight, description of your child’s scars and birthmarks, dental records, fingerprints and passports.

 

  • Parents with children that are allowed to go to a friend’s house should follow this protocol: Know the names, addresses and phone numbers of your children’s friends and their parents. Have your child tell you where they will be and to tell you when they are coming home.

 

 

  • Give children a the list of people they have permission to go with and that they must tell you before going with someone not on the list.

 

 

  • If you are a divorced parent get a clear custody order that specifies visitation rights clearly, and know the non-custodial parent’s social security number, date of birth, current address and employment. Also let your child know if that parent is in the safe list, and when they are allowed to go with that parent.

 

 

  • Explain to children what a “STRANGER” is and what they look like. Also teach them not to speak to strangers and don’t put your children’s names on the outside of their belongings.

 

 

  • Discuss abduction prevention strategies with children without the fear factor and approach them with the issues of abduction the same way you approach them with fire or earthquake safety.

 

 

  • Encourage dialogue about their feelings, how their day went and what people they encountered. This will help you assess any potentially dangerous situations they have encountered.

 

 

  • Teach children to keep a safe distance away from strangers and strangers’ cars even if they seem like nice people. Also if they need to, they must run in the direction opposite of what the stranger’s car is facing.

 

 

  • Check that the school has a callback policy if the child does not arrive to school within thirty minutes when the child is expected in school.

 

 

  • If your child is old enough to stay home alone, teach them to never convey they are alone if a stranger calls the house phone and never open the door to a stranger. They can just brush them off by saying “Mom and Dad can’t come to the phone/door right now.”

 

 

  • Children computer usage must be monitored. Keep an eye on what they are doing in the computer and teach them that it is not safe to give their last name, address, or phone number to a person on the Internet. Children must understand that meeting Internet friends in person without a parent’s supervision is not safe.

 

 

  • At last Review your safety rules regularly. Test your children’s understanding of the rules with questions like, “What would you do if your bicycle broke and a neighbor offered you a ride home?”

 

 

For additional and detailed tips check out http://kidshealth.org.

 

 

Is my daughter too Independent?

As my daughter goes getting older I enjoy seeing how she is becoming an independent little girl. Lately she likes to do everything on her own. She is only 3 years old and she already tells me she wants to play alone in her play area and calls me only when she starts getting bored. One of her new things is opening doors for daddy and me when we go to stores. I guess she sees daddy doing this often since  I’m always carrying her baby brother. This was perfectly fine until she decided to run ahead of daddy one day to go open the door at the store we were at, but we didn’t know she was going to do that.

It was a scary five to ten minutes of my husband screaming her name around the store looking for her, until finally he gets paged by one of the cashiers to go to the front of the store. My daughter had been at the front of the store at the outside door opening the door for people as they were coming in. The cashier had noticed my husband screaming her name for a while and decided to ask my daughter what her name was. Thankfully she answered and the cashier figured out she was the little girl we were looking for and paged my husband.

Now when I go to a store I am always holding my daughter’s hand and don’t let her go ahead of me. She hates it and tells me she is a big girl and she can walk next to me, but I’m still very hesitant to let go. I still want her to be independent, but I want her to be safe too.

How much is too much independence? How can I keep her safe without taking away some freedoms? I’ve started researching on products that I can use to still give her freedom and keep her safe. But I think that we need to teach her some safety rules when it comes to strangers, getting lost in a store, and how far is too far away from mommy and daddy. I wish that daycares and schools would take some time to teach all kids about these safety rules. Also how to differentiate who is a safe person to talk to and who isn’t. Our kids are so vulnerable when little that we need to have safety rules in place at all times.

The Power of TV

Every morning it was a battle to get my daughter ready for school. It was always me explaining to her why she can’t wear her pajama to school and why we have to brush our teeth every morning.

I started to turn on the TV and put Disney channel before getting her out of bed. I was using the TV as a distraction while I dressed her. It worked a few times, but then the tantrums continued. One morning I changed my tactic and started telling her that we needed to get ready to go outside to see the birds and the squirrels before they went to work. That morning she was cooperative and we even got to school on time.

The next morning she woke up too early so I let her watch TV until it was time to get ready. When it was time to get ready, tantrums began again. What happened, why was she moody again? I tried to figure out what was different. I still took her outside to see the birds after watching some TV, so I couldn’t figure it out till my husband said it was all the TV. How can a few minutes of TV affect her? I couldn’t believe that the TV could affect her mood so much. Then I tested the theory by not turning on the TV the whole day and I saw the difference. The TV had become my competition for attention and she also gets more moody when I am trying to get her to do something while watching TV. Even my mood had changed, the house was more peaceful.

I had heard before that a TV absorbs your energy and alters your mood.  That it is recommended you don’t put a TV in your bedroom because even if you sleep with it on, it is not a restful sleep. Now that I have seen the difference in my daughter, TV has taken the back seat in our house. My daughter is not even asking for it as much anymore. She prefers to be out in the yard with her toys.

 

 

Where are the Caterers for Kid Parties?

During my pregnancy with my second child I took some classes to get certified as an event planner and also learn about dining services. There was a discussion about how to hire a caterer for a wedding or a party. When I asked the teacher if there is such a thing as a kid party caterer she told me that doesn’t exist, that usually kids would just eat kid food like Pizza. Why is this? Aren’t our kids deserving of a good meal too. Do we always have to do the Pizza party or plain hot dogs and burgers?

When I have planned birthday parties for my daughter I do the typical “Kid Food” like hot dogs and burgers, but not because that is all she eats. I do it more because it’s the fast and easy thing to do. But then I think about the parents I invite and think that perhaps they would like something more appetizing. I am sure that at home parents are not always ordering pizza for their kids for dinner and they eat what mom or dad cooks for the whole family. I’m sure they’ll have their chicken and rice and even veggies. Why should we change our menu when it’s a kid’s party? Our kids deserve to have a real meal that will be healthier for them and also more satisfying for the parents too.

On my daughter’s last birthday I decided to try something different and also take into account her friends that have gluten and egg allergies. In previous parties I felt bad that they couldn’t eat any birthday cake because of their allergies, so I went ahead and made some Gluten Free chocolate cupcakes and chocolate brownie stars. To my surprise everyone liked the chocolate brownie stars and cupcakes without even noticing they were gluten free. This just shows me that I can have food that everyone would like, even if they have allergies. I also had baked sweet potato fries instead of regular french fries and organic corn chips with salsa as additional snacks. I did end up doing the burgers and hot dogs, but I tried to make a it a little healthier by getting the kosher hot dogs instead of the regular ones as well as lean ground beef to make the burger patties.

I think that as parents we have to put more effort into having real food for our kid’s parties. I am guilty of taking the easy way out and just ordering pizza, but there is no excuse. I think that for all parties, kid’s party or adult party, the most important thing is food and entertainment. If there were affordable caterers that would do healthy kid menus and make food fun and appetizing, I would probably hire them. Also if I was sure that all kids would eat these healthier meals with the same excitement they eat a slice of pizza, I would be less hesitant to have the chicken and rice platters. I think this can be achieved if we take healthier food and make it more colorful by displaying it in a way that attracts kids. For example, serving mini baby carrots in individual mini cups with tiny cups of yogurt ranch dressing, kids would be more attracted to it.

Now that I am staying home to raise my kids, I take more time into what they are eating. I am making an effort to introduce my daughter to all the different flavors of vegetables and fruits that before she would just tell me she didn’t like.  I think that together we can have more healthy children in this world. We just need some help and guidance. I will share some of my ideas in this blog, and maybe you can try them out and let me know how it goes.

Put away the Mom Jeans and take out the Lingerie

If you are a fan of Saturday Night Live, you’ve probably seen the skit of Mom Jeans that aired in April of 2003. This is a funny skit, but a true representation of some moms. When we become a mom we don’t realize that we slowly start forgetting about taking care of ourselves because we become so absorbed with taking care of our child. If we are a stay at home mom we have a higher tendency to wear the “mommy clothes” all day and dedicate our time to our children and the house, specially when you have small children. If you are a working mom, you have a better chance of not falling into this trap because you have to dress up for work and put on make up; but then when the weekend comes you might end up wearing the “mommy clothes”.

When I became a mom, I did get absorbed by the whole pressure of trying to be the perfect mother. I worked at the time, so my weekends were meant for me to spent 100% of my time getting to know my daughter and adopting this new role of motherhood. Without realizing it, I started to forget how to be a woman. I did dress up for work, but none of my regular clothes fit me because my body had changed too. I used to wear just dresses and some of my pregnancy clothes that to me didn’t scream pregnancy. I would still fix up my hair and put on make up, but I rarely fixed my nails. What happens to us when we see that cute baby face crying for our attention that we are even willing to skip taking a shower? Would we have done this for anyone else? Does our husbands have to give us the puppy eyes so we drop the mommy act and become the sexy wife?

Date Night or Date Week?

I knew that becoming a mom was going to change my life. Some people would comment and say – “Get ready to give up your freedom.”, but is it really true that you are no longer in control of your time when you become  a mom and there is no time for being the sexy woman your husband fell in love with?

I didn’t know what a Date Night meant until the first few months with my first child. There wasn’t a reason for date night because every weekend was a date night. Now things were different, we had to plan a date night because we had to find a babysitter for the 2 hours we wanted to have dinner alone as a couple. My whole life became my daughter, and I was starting to forget to be a woman.

It didn’t occur to me to ever leave my daughter with anyone overnight, even my own mother; even less to leave her a whole week. Then as she got a little older, about 1 1/2 years old, a friend suggested I should consider taking a week vacation just my husband and I to recharge and be a couple again. I was hesitant about the idea and after discussing it with my husband I became even more hesitant. He told me – “My parents never left me anywhere when they went on trips. We are a family, and now we are parents. Our daughter is a part of our lives, we just make her part of the trips.” That made me feel even more guilty of the idea of leaving her with my parents or his parents for any time span.

The idea has been lingering in my mind ever since I heard of two friends of mine doing the Week vacations without their child. Both couples found it hard at first but then don’t regret doing it. One of my friends said, “It was nice being able to have a nice expensive suite. It was like a second honeymoon. And our son didn’t even miss us.”

I know I am a mother, but can I also be a wife and relive our days as a couple without feeling guilty about leaving the kids behind?